If pretentious means that something is marked by an unwarranted claim to importance and distinction, it is safe to call most hipsters pretentious. Per definition. Eating from a food truck is no different than buying a hotdog at Time Square, yet some talk about their experience, as if food from a truck was recently introduced to mankind. Pickling is an ancient way of preserving food, nobody cares that you just started pickling yours. Brussels sprouts are very tasty, but not only have they been consumed before it was cool, but even before any hipster was ever born. And “artisanal” is an overused term. Just because someone makes something, doesn’t mean he or she is a master of the craft. I’ve had more bad artisanal foods than good. Some random person starts an ice cream shop, and all of a sudden I’m a bad guy for saying it sucks. Hägen-Dasz is mass produced, yet they make better ice cream than any of the self proclaimed ice cream artisans in Stockholm (Yes, Stikki Nikki sucks, and I’ll get back to that in another article). Some hipster cook a terrible jam, puts it in mason jars, and sticks an “artisanal jam” sticker to it, and all of a sudden everyone praise it. No matter if the hipster in question was ever competent in making jam or not to begin with.
Let me give you an example. Ants on a stick is not bad. I like celery, I like raisins, I like cinnamon, and I like peanut butter. And all of those ingredients work well together. But Ants on a stick is still just peanut butter on a piece of celery, garnished with raisins and sprinkled with cinnamon. I might be great at spreading peanut butter, but I wouldn’t try to sell my “Artisanal Ants on a stick” in Portland.
So next time you stand in front of an artisanal anything, think of Ants on a stick. If the amount of effort put into the pickles or jam you’re about to buy is the same as what you put into making Ants on a stick, think again.
Now for the recipe… The most pretentious one ever written. Enjoy.
“Celery has an almost licorice-like tone, and it’s seeds can be dried and used as a spice. Their flavor kind of reminds of fennel and caraway seeds. Just the thought of a vegetable with those flavor notes, should immediately make your desert imagination spinning. I’ve had sweetened puré of celery in a desert, and it’s fantastic. Today, however, we’re going to make an American classic – ants on a stick. No, it’s not a joke. The licorice tones of the crispy celery, the umami and saltiness of the peanut butter, the sweetness of the raisins and the tingly touch of cinnamon.”
Pretentious Food Emperor
Time it takes:
- 1 minutes for preparation per stick
Recipe for one person:
- 1 slack of celery
- 2 tbsp of peanut butter
- 1 tbsp of raisins
- 1 tsp of cinnamon
- Spread peanut butter into the hollow of the stalk of celery.
- Arrange raisins on top of the peanut butter.
- Sprinkle some cinnamon on the top.